Here it goes....

   So here it goes. My entire life I have struggled with my weight. Taking it off, putting it on, putting on more, putting on again, taking a little off, putting on A LOT. It's something many women in our society fight with. Some more so than others. I am definitely on the more so side of things. Let me put it out there for you all. I am (and not for the first time in my life) close to tipping the scales (literally) at 300 lbs.

   16 months ago I was blessed with the most beautiful little miracle! And a miracle she truly is. Born 4 months early at 1 lb due to preeclampsia, little Amber Aya came into my life like a whirlwind. Named for my best friend who had passed away a few months before, Amber was the little one I had known in my heart that I wanted for years but hadn't yet come to fruition.
    My pregnancy had not been an easy one from the very beginning. Having naively thought that I had found true love I was excited at the prospect of starting a family. Lo and behold, her father felt very differently. After refusing to terminate my pregnancy, things began to go down hill... all but my stress levels, which skyrocketed. Two months into my first trimester we took a trip from NY to TX so that I could meet his family. The moment we stepped off of the plane in Austin things went from bad to worse.The second night Amber's father let me know just how much he hated and despised me. Miles from home, no support, no friends or family to turn to. The remaining two weeks of the trip he spent ignoring me while his family did their best to make me feel comfortable. After returning to NY he suddenly began to act like nothing had happened. Hoping and praying he would change his mind and come to love both the baby and me with time, I agreed to remain living with him for the ease of shared responsibility, and for the sake of our child. Stress had already taken it's toll. I had put on over 65 lbs in my first trimester, and another two months later, at 24 weeks, I found myself laying alone in the hospital while my kidneys were failing and the life I had dreamt of slipped quickly through my fingers. An emergency C-section left me mourning the loss of a pregnancy and my 'life' was on support in the local NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). I was told that she only had about a 22 percent chance of surviving the entire ordeal. Under 500 grams they were not supposed to intervene. Blessed with an AMAZING Dr, at 480 grams he thought just maybe she was big enough to be saved.

19 days old in the NICU

          We battled for 5 months in the NICU. There were highs and lows both in the hospital and at home. It was clear that her father and I were indeed not going to make it. I fought hard to remain grounded while I was spending 16-20 hours a day by my baby's bed side and coming home to be mocked and insulted every night. I was fat, and unattractive. I couldn't even give birth right. I was a worthless excuse for a human being, a waste of space, etc. I held on each day in hopes of being able to bring my baby home healthy. Putting on a strong front for her sake. 5 months in the NICU and she was finally able to come home on oxygen. At least a half a dozen meds, and as many specialists to go with them. We began the routine daily and weekly visits to the hospital to follow her progress. Things at home became a little easier because now I had my little girl to hold and could finally love and be loved the way it should be.
         Fall came and went. I rejoiced in all the progress she was making. Less visits to the specialists, more time at home to cuddle and be a 'family'. Yet nothing with her father had been resolved. Things began to escalate and now I had Amber to worry about. The environment was not a healthy one for her or for me. December 31st we found ourselves packing to move back to our home town. My family came to the rescue with help moving and a place to stay. But, stress would ensue as now I had to get my life back on track.
       Here we are, 8 months later. Amber is doing AMAZING in every way. Growing, loving life, happy, and beautiful inside and out. We still depend on family for much of our support. Looking for our own space on a limited budget has been our biggest challenge. Or at least I thought. A recent check up helped to put things into perspective. You know when you go to see the Dr and you already know what they are going to say and you just want to roll your eyes and say 'I know, I know, blah blah blah'.... Well, there I was. 'You're not just obese, you are morbidly obese.' But what followed strung a chord with me, 'this is no longer a cosmetic issue, this is about your baby's life too! You need to be there for her and at this rate your longevity is at stake.' OF COURSE I already knew this to be true. But, for whatever reason, hearing it from someone outside of myself really put it into perspective for me. I NEED TO MAKE CHANGES!

If you wouldn't do it for love, what would you do it for?

Amber Aya as of Yesterday. 16 months (12 corrected) and 17 lbs.

     Here I am in week one of my transformation. I have totally changed my diet. Little to no carbs and a lot of greens. Quinoa has been my new biggest staple, and I've cut back on late night snacking and comfort foods in general. I decided that I should put my story and my struggle out there in an effort to connect with others who may be in similar situations. Struggling not only to get healthy for their own sake, but for the sake of those they love. Let's do this together! Let's make the changes we need to make for THEM. People have said to me for years that you need to make changes for yourself and it has never worked for me that way. But, looking at my little one has given me new perspective, I CAN CHANGE for the one I LOVE!